i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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