Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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