If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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