at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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