I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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