make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
