There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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