All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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