You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
