shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
