I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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