Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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