I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
