Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
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do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
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I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!