It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
