you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom