I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
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But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.