yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
