I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
