Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
