sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
