we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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