I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
