I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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