My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I deserve this hangover.
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