wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
