I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
