it hurts more in the daytime
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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