Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
