she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
