If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
