I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
