I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
