Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
