if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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