I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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