it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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