Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
