Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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