Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
