I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
