Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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