we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
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nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
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When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs