he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.