so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
