I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
