Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
