we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
