Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
