I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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