Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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