I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
