wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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