You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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