I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
