The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
