I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I love having hate sex.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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