Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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