I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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