i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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